Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn is a 1983 post-apocalyptic science fiction action movie directed by Charles Band that includes just about all the ingredients associated with that genre. It was billed as High Noon at the End of the Universe and it does have a bit of a western vibe. It also obviously owes a huge debt to Mad Max II: The Road Warrior.

This movie (wisely in my view) doesn’t bother explaining things at the beginning. Obviously we’re in a post-apocalyptic wasteland but that’s all we know.

In what was already the well-established post-apocalyptic tradition the action takes place in a desert and there are lots of vehicles that are like armoured dune buggies.

Dogen (Jeffrey Byron) is the hero. He’s a Ranger and he’s also a Finder. We never do find out what that really means but he’s clearly one of the good guys. His mission is to track down Jared-Syn (Mike Preston) who is some kind of super-villain stirring up trouble among the Cyclopeans. The Cyclopeans appear to be one-eyed mutants.

Dogen encounters some of Jared-Syn’s henchmen including Baal who is a kind of Cyclopean cyborg and apparently Jared-Syn’s son. Much mayhem ensues. Lots of vehicles get wrecked, there are lots of explosions. Dogen has to fight a duel with one of Jared-Syn’s champions. It’s all standard action movie stuff.

There is some crazy mystical stuff which makes things more interesting. Jared-Syn doesn’t just kill his enemies. He drains their life force and stores the energy. There’s lots of stuff about crystals. There’s some dimension-jumping stuff as well.

Of course there’s a girl, Dhyana (Kelly Preston). She and her father are working an abandoned mine when they get attacked by Jared-Syn’s heavies. Dhyana then hooks up with Dogen.

Dogen has also acquired a cynical smart-talking side-kick, Rhodes (Tim Thomerson).

Jared-Syn’s objective is to start a holy war which will of course end with him in charge. Dogen has to stop him, and rescue Dhyana.

This movie was shot in 3-D. I’ve only seen the 2-D version which looks fine apart from the aerial sequences which were obviously shot to take advantage of the 3-D technology. On the whole the visuals are pretty good and the action scenes are done quite well.

The plot makes no real sense so it’s best not to worry too much about it.

The acting is a mixed bag. Mike Preston makes a terrific sinister charismatic villain.

Jeffrey Byron as Dogen is however sadly charisma-challenged. In fact he’s kind of dull.

Kelly Preston as Dhyana is a bigger problem. It isn’t her fault. Her part is badly underwritten. We expect her to be a feisty sexy heroine but she is given no opportunities to be either feisty or sexy. More damagingly there is zero chemistry between Dogen and Dhyana. Again it’s the script that is at fault. One of Dogen’s motivations is to save her so we have to believe that he has some feelings for her but there’s no indication that he’s more than vaguely aware of her existence. The two of them don’t get a single love scene.

It was A Boy and His Dog in 1975 that launched the post-apocalyptic sci-fi craze and established the basic aesthetics of the genre. Damnation Alley followed in 1977 but it was of course Mad Max II: The Road Warrior that kicked the genre into overdrive and inspired countless imitations.

The great thing about the post-apocalyptic aesthetic is that it always looks cool and it could be done on a very limited budget. There was no need for elaborate sets or whizz-bang special effects with spaceships – all you really needed was to find an abandoned quarry and star filming. Cool creepy makeup effects always helped and the makeup effects here are done reasonably well.

Not surprisingly it was the Italians who made the weirdest and most interesting movies in this genre and who pushed it in genuinely interesting directions in movies like Lucio Fulci’s Warriors of the Year 2072 (1984) and the totally bonkers but mesmerising She (1984).

There’s no way you could describe Metalstorm: The Destruction of Jared-Syn as a great cinematic achievement. It’s very very cheesy but for a low-budget production it looks good and it’s fun. Recommended.